Traditional recipes

Asparamancer Predicts the Future with Asparagus

Asparamancer Predicts the Future with Asparagus

She tosses it onto a sheet and reads where the stalks fall

What does the asparagus you drop say about you?

Well, this is just weird — this lady claims that asparagus can tell her the future.

Her name, according to the description, is Jemima Packington, a 56-year-old woman who claims to be the world’s only Asparamancer.

Packington tosses asparagus into the air, reads where they fall, and comes up with what she claims are "very accurate" predictions about sporting events, politics, the economy, and of course, the Oscars (the description says she predicted The King’s Speech Oscar win, although we could’ve told you that).

Watch her predict the weather below. "We’re not going to have a hard time with frost and snow, but we will have a very windy time," she says (people of England, please tell us if she's correct). Now, is this any stranger than reading tea leaves and coffee grounds?

The Daily Byte is a regular column dedicated to covering interesting food news and trends across the country. Click here for previous columns.


Open Post: Hosted By The Asparamancer Of England Who Uses Asparagus To Tell The Future

The Asparamancer has arrived to give her predictions for the future. And what’s an “asparamancer” you ask? Someone who reads the future via asparagus, DUH. I guess I’m an asparamancer too because whenever I eat asparagus, I successfully predict that my piss stank will eat off the paint in the bathroom.

The Takeout says that Jemima Packington from the city of Bath in Somerset, England is the only asparamancer in the world. An asparamancer is not to be confused with an assparamancer, which is just someone who predicts the future while eating ass. Jemima “casts” spears of asparagus into the air and uses the patterns they land in to predict the future. Tarot Cards? Canceled. Tea leaves? Stupid. Palm reading? Over. It’s time to look into the future using asparagus.

Since it’s National Asparagus Month, ITV’s This Morning brought on Jemima to give them some asparagus readings. Here are her predictions for the month of May:

“The May prediction shows a letter V and a letter E which shows we will have a double celebration during the upcoming bank holiday. The little budlets that you see on the background indicate refreshments of the alcoholic variety–so we are all going to have a jolly good time. Also, the spears coming forward indicate there is really great, good news on the way for us all this month.”

“Jolly good time”? It’s coronavirus time! Who cares if the UK gets a day off. They’re still on lockdown!

Jemima also told the ITV hosts that they will get an interview with Prince Harry and Meghan Markle. Now, Jemima has a record of–what she calls–a 75-90% success rate. That is a wide margin, lady. She successfully predicted Brexit and England’s victory in the Cricket World Cup. But she wrongly predicted that Meghan Markle would have twins.

More of her predictions are that Brexit will go smoothly, there will be another royal baby, and that a member of the royal family will die. As for some American predictions, she says that Donald Trump will be re-elected but will get impeached a second time, and it will lead to him being removed from office and convicted of a crime.

She also predicted that the Vale of Evesham asparagus will become the “world’s most prized vegetable.” Oh please, that’s a bunch of asparagus piss-scented stupidity, because let’s be real. You can’t even use asparagus as a dildo so it’s already lost the title of “world’s most prized vegetable” to the cucumber.


Open Post: Hosted By The Asparamancer Of England Who Uses Asparagus To Tell The Future

The Asparamancer has arrived to give her predictions for the future. And what’s an “asparamancer” you ask? Someone who reads the future via asparagus, DUH. I guess I’m an asparamancer too because whenever I eat asparagus, I successfully predict that my piss stank will eat off the paint in the bathroom.

The Takeout says that Jemima Packington from the city of Bath in Somerset, England is the only asparamancer in the world. An asparamancer is not to be confused with an assparamancer, which is just someone who predicts the future while eating ass. Jemima “casts” spears of asparagus into the air and uses the patterns they land in to predict the future. Tarot Cards? Canceled. Tea leaves? Stupid. Palm reading? Over. It’s time to look into the future using asparagus.

Since it’s National Asparagus Month, ITV’s This Morning brought on Jemima to give them some asparagus readings. Here are her predictions for the month of May:

“The May prediction shows a letter V and a letter E which shows we will have a double celebration during the upcoming bank holiday. The little budlets that you see on the background indicate refreshments of the alcoholic variety–so we are all going to have a jolly good time. Also, the spears coming forward indicate there is really great, good news on the way for us all this month.”

“Jolly good time”? It’s coronavirus time! Who cares if the UK gets a day off. They’re still on lockdown!

Jemima also told the ITV hosts that they will get an interview with Prince Harry and Meghan Markle. Now, Jemima has a record of–what she calls–a 75-90% success rate. That is a wide margin, lady. She successfully predicted Brexit and England’s victory in the Cricket World Cup. But she wrongly predicted that Meghan Markle would have twins.

More of her predictions are that Brexit will go smoothly, there will be another royal baby, and that a member of the royal family will die. As for some American predictions, she says that Donald Trump will be re-elected but will get impeached a second time, and it will lead to him being removed from office and convicted of a crime.

She also predicted that the Vale of Evesham asparagus will become the “world’s most prized vegetable.” Oh please, that’s a bunch of asparagus piss-scented stupidity, because let’s be real. You can’t even use asparagus as a dildo so it’s already lost the title of “world’s most prized vegetable” to the cucumber.


Open Post: Hosted By The Asparamancer Of England Who Uses Asparagus To Tell The Future

The Asparamancer has arrived to give her predictions for the future. And what’s an “asparamancer” you ask? Someone who reads the future via asparagus, DUH. I guess I’m an asparamancer too because whenever I eat asparagus, I successfully predict that my piss stank will eat off the paint in the bathroom.

The Takeout says that Jemima Packington from the city of Bath in Somerset, England is the only asparamancer in the world. An asparamancer is not to be confused with an assparamancer, which is just someone who predicts the future while eating ass. Jemima “casts” spears of asparagus into the air and uses the patterns they land in to predict the future. Tarot Cards? Canceled. Tea leaves? Stupid. Palm reading? Over. It’s time to look into the future using asparagus.

Since it’s National Asparagus Month, ITV’s This Morning brought on Jemima to give them some asparagus readings. Here are her predictions for the month of May:

“The May prediction shows a letter V and a letter E which shows we will have a double celebration during the upcoming bank holiday. The little budlets that you see on the background indicate refreshments of the alcoholic variety–so we are all going to have a jolly good time. Also, the spears coming forward indicate there is really great, good news on the way for us all this month.”

“Jolly good time”? It’s coronavirus time! Who cares if the UK gets a day off. They’re still on lockdown!

Jemima also told the ITV hosts that they will get an interview with Prince Harry and Meghan Markle. Now, Jemima has a record of–what she calls–a 75-90% success rate. That is a wide margin, lady. She successfully predicted Brexit and England’s victory in the Cricket World Cup. But she wrongly predicted that Meghan Markle would have twins.

More of her predictions are that Brexit will go smoothly, there will be another royal baby, and that a member of the royal family will die. As for some American predictions, she says that Donald Trump will be re-elected but will get impeached a second time, and it will lead to him being removed from office and convicted of a crime.

She also predicted that the Vale of Evesham asparagus will become the “world’s most prized vegetable.” Oh please, that’s a bunch of asparagus piss-scented stupidity, because let’s be real. You can’t even use asparagus as a dildo so it’s already lost the title of “world’s most prized vegetable” to the cucumber.


Open Post: Hosted By The Asparamancer Of England Who Uses Asparagus To Tell The Future

The Asparamancer has arrived to give her predictions for the future. And what’s an “asparamancer” you ask? Someone who reads the future via asparagus, DUH. I guess I’m an asparamancer too because whenever I eat asparagus, I successfully predict that my piss stank will eat off the paint in the bathroom.

The Takeout says that Jemima Packington from the city of Bath in Somerset, England is the only asparamancer in the world. An asparamancer is not to be confused with an assparamancer, which is just someone who predicts the future while eating ass. Jemima “casts” spears of asparagus into the air and uses the patterns they land in to predict the future. Tarot Cards? Canceled. Tea leaves? Stupid. Palm reading? Over. It’s time to look into the future using asparagus.

Since it’s National Asparagus Month, ITV’s This Morning brought on Jemima to give them some asparagus readings. Here are her predictions for the month of May:

“The May prediction shows a letter V and a letter E which shows we will have a double celebration during the upcoming bank holiday. The little budlets that you see on the background indicate refreshments of the alcoholic variety–so we are all going to have a jolly good time. Also, the spears coming forward indicate there is really great, good news on the way for us all this month.”

“Jolly good time”? It’s coronavirus time! Who cares if the UK gets a day off. They’re still on lockdown!

Jemima also told the ITV hosts that they will get an interview with Prince Harry and Meghan Markle. Now, Jemima has a record of–what she calls–a 75-90% success rate. That is a wide margin, lady. She successfully predicted Brexit and England’s victory in the Cricket World Cup. But she wrongly predicted that Meghan Markle would have twins.

More of her predictions are that Brexit will go smoothly, there will be another royal baby, and that a member of the royal family will die. As for some American predictions, she says that Donald Trump will be re-elected but will get impeached a second time, and it will lead to him being removed from office and convicted of a crime.

She also predicted that the Vale of Evesham asparagus will become the “world’s most prized vegetable.” Oh please, that’s a bunch of asparagus piss-scented stupidity, because let’s be real. You can’t even use asparagus as a dildo so it’s already lost the title of “world’s most prized vegetable” to the cucumber.


Open Post: Hosted By The Asparamancer Of England Who Uses Asparagus To Tell The Future

The Asparamancer has arrived to give her predictions for the future. And what’s an “asparamancer” you ask? Someone who reads the future via asparagus, DUH. I guess I’m an asparamancer too because whenever I eat asparagus, I successfully predict that my piss stank will eat off the paint in the bathroom.

The Takeout says that Jemima Packington from the city of Bath in Somerset, England is the only asparamancer in the world. An asparamancer is not to be confused with an assparamancer, which is just someone who predicts the future while eating ass. Jemima “casts” spears of asparagus into the air and uses the patterns they land in to predict the future. Tarot Cards? Canceled. Tea leaves? Stupid. Palm reading? Over. It’s time to look into the future using asparagus.

Since it’s National Asparagus Month, ITV’s This Morning brought on Jemima to give them some asparagus readings. Here are her predictions for the month of May:

“The May prediction shows a letter V and a letter E which shows we will have a double celebration during the upcoming bank holiday. The little budlets that you see on the background indicate refreshments of the alcoholic variety–so we are all going to have a jolly good time. Also, the spears coming forward indicate there is really great, good news on the way for us all this month.”

“Jolly good time”? It’s coronavirus time! Who cares if the UK gets a day off. They’re still on lockdown!

Jemima also told the ITV hosts that they will get an interview with Prince Harry and Meghan Markle. Now, Jemima has a record of–what she calls–a 75-90% success rate. That is a wide margin, lady. She successfully predicted Brexit and England’s victory in the Cricket World Cup. But she wrongly predicted that Meghan Markle would have twins.

More of her predictions are that Brexit will go smoothly, there will be another royal baby, and that a member of the royal family will die. As for some American predictions, she says that Donald Trump will be re-elected but will get impeached a second time, and it will lead to him being removed from office and convicted of a crime.

She also predicted that the Vale of Evesham asparagus will become the “world’s most prized vegetable.” Oh please, that’s a bunch of asparagus piss-scented stupidity, because let’s be real. You can’t even use asparagus as a dildo so it’s already lost the title of “world’s most prized vegetable” to the cucumber.


Open Post: Hosted By The Asparamancer Of England Who Uses Asparagus To Tell The Future

The Asparamancer has arrived to give her predictions for the future. And what’s an “asparamancer” you ask? Someone who reads the future via asparagus, DUH. I guess I’m an asparamancer too because whenever I eat asparagus, I successfully predict that my piss stank will eat off the paint in the bathroom.

The Takeout says that Jemima Packington from the city of Bath in Somerset, England is the only asparamancer in the world. An asparamancer is not to be confused with an assparamancer, which is just someone who predicts the future while eating ass. Jemima “casts” spears of asparagus into the air and uses the patterns they land in to predict the future. Tarot Cards? Canceled. Tea leaves? Stupid. Palm reading? Over. It’s time to look into the future using asparagus.

Since it’s National Asparagus Month, ITV’s This Morning brought on Jemima to give them some asparagus readings. Here are her predictions for the month of May:

“The May prediction shows a letter V and a letter E which shows we will have a double celebration during the upcoming bank holiday. The little budlets that you see on the background indicate refreshments of the alcoholic variety–so we are all going to have a jolly good time. Also, the spears coming forward indicate there is really great, good news on the way for us all this month.”

“Jolly good time”? It’s coronavirus time! Who cares if the UK gets a day off. They’re still on lockdown!

Jemima also told the ITV hosts that they will get an interview with Prince Harry and Meghan Markle. Now, Jemima has a record of–what she calls–a 75-90% success rate. That is a wide margin, lady. She successfully predicted Brexit and England’s victory in the Cricket World Cup. But she wrongly predicted that Meghan Markle would have twins.

More of her predictions are that Brexit will go smoothly, there will be another royal baby, and that a member of the royal family will die. As for some American predictions, she says that Donald Trump will be re-elected but will get impeached a second time, and it will lead to him being removed from office and convicted of a crime.

She also predicted that the Vale of Evesham asparagus will become the “world’s most prized vegetable.” Oh please, that’s a bunch of asparagus piss-scented stupidity, because let’s be real. You can’t even use asparagus as a dildo so it’s already lost the title of “world’s most prized vegetable” to the cucumber.


Open Post: Hosted By The Asparamancer Of England Who Uses Asparagus To Tell The Future

The Asparamancer has arrived to give her predictions for the future. And what’s an “asparamancer” you ask? Someone who reads the future via asparagus, DUH. I guess I’m an asparamancer too because whenever I eat asparagus, I successfully predict that my piss stank will eat off the paint in the bathroom.

The Takeout says that Jemima Packington from the city of Bath in Somerset, England is the only asparamancer in the world. An asparamancer is not to be confused with an assparamancer, which is just someone who predicts the future while eating ass. Jemima “casts” spears of asparagus into the air and uses the patterns they land in to predict the future. Tarot Cards? Canceled. Tea leaves? Stupid. Palm reading? Over. It’s time to look into the future using asparagus.

Since it’s National Asparagus Month, ITV’s This Morning brought on Jemima to give them some asparagus readings. Here are her predictions for the month of May:

“The May prediction shows a letter V and a letter E which shows we will have a double celebration during the upcoming bank holiday. The little budlets that you see on the background indicate refreshments of the alcoholic variety–so we are all going to have a jolly good time. Also, the spears coming forward indicate there is really great, good news on the way for us all this month.”

“Jolly good time”? It’s coronavirus time! Who cares if the UK gets a day off. They’re still on lockdown!

Jemima also told the ITV hosts that they will get an interview with Prince Harry and Meghan Markle. Now, Jemima has a record of–what she calls–a 75-90% success rate. That is a wide margin, lady. She successfully predicted Brexit and England’s victory in the Cricket World Cup. But she wrongly predicted that Meghan Markle would have twins.

More of her predictions are that Brexit will go smoothly, there will be another royal baby, and that a member of the royal family will die. As for some American predictions, she says that Donald Trump will be re-elected but will get impeached a second time, and it will lead to him being removed from office and convicted of a crime.

She also predicted that the Vale of Evesham asparagus will become the “world’s most prized vegetable.” Oh please, that’s a bunch of asparagus piss-scented stupidity, because let’s be real. You can’t even use asparagus as a dildo so it’s already lost the title of “world’s most prized vegetable” to the cucumber.


Open Post: Hosted By The Asparamancer Of England Who Uses Asparagus To Tell The Future

The Asparamancer has arrived to give her predictions for the future. And what’s an “asparamancer” you ask? Someone who reads the future via asparagus, DUH. I guess I’m an asparamancer too because whenever I eat asparagus, I successfully predict that my piss stank will eat off the paint in the bathroom.

The Takeout says that Jemima Packington from the city of Bath in Somerset, England is the only asparamancer in the world. An asparamancer is not to be confused with an assparamancer, which is just someone who predicts the future while eating ass. Jemima “casts” spears of asparagus into the air and uses the patterns they land in to predict the future. Tarot Cards? Canceled. Tea leaves? Stupid. Palm reading? Over. It’s time to look into the future using asparagus.

Since it’s National Asparagus Month, ITV’s This Morning brought on Jemima to give them some asparagus readings. Here are her predictions for the month of May:

“The May prediction shows a letter V and a letter E which shows we will have a double celebration during the upcoming bank holiday. The little budlets that you see on the background indicate refreshments of the alcoholic variety–so we are all going to have a jolly good time. Also, the spears coming forward indicate there is really great, good news on the way for us all this month.”

“Jolly good time”? It’s coronavirus time! Who cares if the UK gets a day off. They’re still on lockdown!

Jemima also told the ITV hosts that they will get an interview with Prince Harry and Meghan Markle. Now, Jemima has a record of–what she calls–a 75-90% success rate. That is a wide margin, lady. She successfully predicted Brexit and England’s victory in the Cricket World Cup. But she wrongly predicted that Meghan Markle would have twins.

More of her predictions are that Brexit will go smoothly, there will be another royal baby, and that a member of the royal family will die. As for some American predictions, she says that Donald Trump will be re-elected but will get impeached a second time, and it will lead to him being removed from office and convicted of a crime.

She also predicted that the Vale of Evesham asparagus will become the “world’s most prized vegetable.” Oh please, that’s a bunch of asparagus piss-scented stupidity, because let’s be real. You can’t even use asparagus as a dildo so it’s already lost the title of “world’s most prized vegetable” to the cucumber.


Open Post: Hosted By The Asparamancer Of England Who Uses Asparagus To Tell The Future

The Asparamancer has arrived to give her predictions for the future. And what’s an “asparamancer” you ask? Someone who reads the future via asparagus, DUH. I guess I’m an asparamancer too because whenever I eat asparagus, I successfully predict that my piss stank will eat off the paint in the bathroom.

The Takeout says that Jemima Packington from the city of Bath in Somerset, England is the only asparamancer in the world. An asparamancer is not to be confused with an assparamancer, which is just someone who predicts the future while eating ass. Jemima “casts” spears of asparagus into the air and uses the patterns they land in to predict the future. Tarot Cards? Canceled. Tea leaves? Stupid. Palm reading? Over. It’s time to look into the future using asparagus.

Since it’s National Asparagus Month, ITV’s This Morning brought on Jemima to give them some asparagus readings. Here are her predictions for the month of May:

“The May prediction shows a letter V and a letter E which shows we will have a double celebration during the upcoming bank holiday. The little budlets that you see on the background indicate refreshments of the alcoholic variety–so we are all going to have a jolly good time. Also, the spears coming forward indicate there is really great, good news on the way for us all this month.”

“Jolly good time”? It’s coronavirus time! Who cares if the UK gets a day off. They’re still on lockdown!

Jemima also told the ITV hosts that they will get an interview with Prince Harry and Meghan Markle. Now, Jemima has a record of–what she calls–a 75-90% success rate. That is a wide margin, lady. She successfully predicted Brexit and England’s victory in the Cricket World Cup. But she wrongly predicted that Meghan Markle would have twins.

More of her predictions are that Brexit will go smoothly, there will be another royal baby, and that a member of the royal family will die. As for some American predictions, she says that Donald Trump will be re-elected but will get impeached a second time, and it will lead to him being removed from office and convicted of a crime.

She also predicted that the Vale of Evesham asparagus will become the “world’s most prized vegetable.” Oh please, that’s a bunch of asparagus piss-scented stupidity, because let’s be real. You can’t even use asparagus as a dildo so it’s already lost the title of “world’s most prized vegetable” to the cucumber.


Open Post: Hosted By The Asparamancer Of England Who Uses Asparagus To Tell The Future

The Asparamancer has arrived to give her predictions for the future. And what’s an “asparamancer” you ask? Someone who reads the future via asparagus, DUH. I guess I’m an asparamancer too because whenever I eat asparagus, I successfully predict that my piss stank will eat off the paint in the bathroom.

The Takeout says that Jemima Packington from the city of Bath in Somerset, England is the only asparamancer in the world. An asparamancer is not to be confused with an assparamancer, which is just someone who predicts the future while eating ass. Jemima “casts” spears of asparagus into the air and uses the patterns they land in to predict the future. Tarot Cards? Canceled. Tea leaves? Stupid. Palm reading? Over. It’s time to look into the future using asparagus.

Since it’s National Asparagus Month, ITV’s This Morning brought on Jemima to give them some asparagus readings. Here are her predictions for the month of May:

“The May prediction shows a letter V and a letter E which shows we will have a double celebration during the upcoming bank holiday. The little budlets that you see on the background indicate refreshments of the alcoholic variety–so we are all going to have a jolly good time. Also, the spears coming forward indicate there is really great, good news on the way for us all this month.”

“Jolly good time”? It’s coronavirus time! Who cares if the UK gets a day off. They’re still on lockdown!

Jemima also told the ITV hosts that they will get an interview with Prince Harry and Meghan Markle. Now, Jemima has a record of–what she calls–a 75-90% success rate. That is a wide margin, lady. She successfully predicted Brexit and England’s victory in the Cricket World Cup. But she wrongly predicted that Meghan Markle would have twins.

More of her predictions are that Brexit will go smoothly, there will be another royal baby, and that a member of the royal family will die. As for some American predictions, she says that Donald Trump will be re-elected but will get impeached a second time, and it will lead to him being removed from office and convicted of a crime.

She also predicted that the Vale of Evesham asparagus will become the “world’s most prized vegetable.” Oh please, that’s a bunch of asparagus piss-scented stupidity, because let’s be real. You can’t even use asparagus as a dildo so it’s already lost the title of “world’s most prized vegetable” to the cucumber.


Watch the video: Asparamancer Predicts Eamonn And Ruths Future Using Asparagus. This Morning (January 2022).